Grandma's Christmas...

Merry Christmas Eve everyone! I am on call today and tomorrow, but was lucky enough to be able to go to Grandma's Christmas yesterday on the farm. Good food and good family, though I think we are starting to push the capacity limit of Grandma's house... Watching the little ones open their gifts from Grandma and Grandpa was so much fun:)

Lucas, very tired and not super happy about being woken from his nap... Until he realized there were presents involved...

GUYS! IT'S DARTH VADER'S LIGHT SABER!!!

Good times were had by all. Now I've got to start cooking for our own little Christmas Eve dinner here at home. Here's to hoping I get to enjoy it when it's all said and done and I'm not at the hospital sewing someone's eye back together:)

Nebraska Bound!

Hey there everyone. Sorry to have been so quiet for so long. I've been thinking that I should update this, but every time I sit down to do it, I don't know what to say.

It's been an exciting few weeks. I had surgery last week, which you all know about. That was obviously very good news and Charlie and I are both very excited and hopeful for the future. We also found out last week that we would most likely be moving to North Platte, NE.

It's funny how things work out. Before we started interviewing for jobs, Charlie and I sat down and talked about what was important to both of us in finding a match. We both wanted to be closer to our families if possible, we both wanted a community that we felt we could really be a part of, and I really wanted to have a place where I could dictate my own scope of practice and would be busy but also have the flexibility I would need when and if we did have a family.

Most of the jobs we looked at were in the north east. With the exception of the job in Nebraska, and one in Michigan. Every job I looked at there was a major red flag. Or it just didn't feel right. I remember when Dr. Shreck said he wanted to set a date for us to go out there and see his practice, I said to Charlie, "Do we really want to do this? Use the vacation time and go out there? Are we wasting our time and theirs?" But we decided to do it. And I'm glad we did.

I said to Mom, after I told her about our decision - sometimes I think that God opens doors for us, but it is up to us to see the opportunity and not be too afraid or timid to take advantage of it. It really felt like God was giving us 1,000,000 signs and all of them pointed to Nebraska.

When we made the decision I immediately felt anxious and jerky about it. But then I took a deep breath and said a little prayer. God's path for us is not always the easy one. It is not always the one that seems to make the most sense on the surface. But if we are quiet and we listen and pay attention, I think that he reveals it to us. I'm just glad I was paying attention.

On another note, we have sung this song a few times in church. I really like it, but today it outright made me cry. I don't know why, but thought I would share it with you. The lyrics are on the video.

Hoping for answers...

Hi all. I know that it's been awhile since I've written on here. Things have been so crazy with work, trying to find a job, etc... that I have barely had a spare moment.

But today I have some time. This afternoon I'm going to go have a hysteroscopy and laparascopy to see if there is a structural reason for my recurrent miscarriages. I'm hoping there is and they can fix it and then we can all move on.

I will probably write more after the procedure, but for right now, I just want to thank everyone for their support and prayers. I'll be sure to let you all know how it goes:)

At the risk of repeating myself...

I just went back and looked at my posts from almost exactly 7 months ago. I don't really feel like repeating myself, because the feelings are all pretty much the same. Even though I think I was more prepared this time for bad news, it still hurts.

It's funny, because for most of the day yesterday I felt fine. Better than I thought I probably should. The D&C itself was more painful than it had been, but afterwards I felt pretty good.

I watched TV for most of the day yesterday. My friend Billy brought us take-out. And Charlie and I played Scrabble because I didn't want to watch any more TV. I, of course, lost and was a bit of a sore loser about losing. Some things will never change I suppose.

Then we sat down to watch the football game and I just started crying. Really crying. And it felt good. It's amazing how much we can fool ourselves into believing that everything is OK. No matter how much I prepare myself for bad news, it's always going to hurt when it comes.

This whole process is exhausting. Emotionally more than physically. The physical stuff only lasts a few days and is not so bad. As we were sitting in the Ob/Gyn office yesterday waiting to have the procedure, I was thinking about the woman Dr. Paraskos had told me about that had had nine miscarriages before having three healthy babies. I don't know if I can do this nine times. But I don't have to think about that. Right now I just know that I can do it one more time. At least. Then if I have to do it a fifth time, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. What I do know is that if I gave up now, I would probably regret it for the rest of my life.

So for right now, healing. A few medical exams. Then trying again. With a hopeful heart, praying that I don't get my heart broken again. I'm not sure prayer has anything to do with it though. I'm finding it difficult to find any solace in it right now.

Bow Down

This has to be really quick because it's late and I'm leaving for Michigan tomorrow for another job interview. But this is a song from Xavier Rudd's new album, and I think it is amazing. The video is a little weird, but listen to the lyrics. Love.




I sit here now 2010 government still stealing landMaking lame excuses for their greed while thatoil spills into the seaAnd the Whalers now still killing whales and oldgrowth bush still being rapedAnd I know we all have busy lives but sing alongif you have the time
Bow Down to your Godbut don’t forget about the earthplace your hand on a treeWho’s helping you breatheGive thanks to the sunwhen you open your lungsThrow your buts in the binhelp the old turtles swim
Selling tourism on sacred land while the localmob sits on their handsif what I’m speaking here makes any sense openup my friend and jump the fence
Bow Down to your Godbut don’t forget about the earthplace your hand on a treeWho’s helping you breatheGive thanks to the sunwhen you open your lungsThrow your buts in the binhelp the old turtles swimFreedom for all

A little hippy, but I love it right now:)

Overwhelmed...

Guys. I know that it has been forever since I have posted here. But I really feel like I'm losing my mind most of the time right now. Between trying to find a job, working at the VA, and trying to keep up with things around the house, I'm exhausted and in much need of some down time. Luckily, I'm going to get just that in a few weeks, but in the mean time I've got to keep going.

Charlie says that I shouldn't try to do so much around the house, because then it would free up more time for other things. Like making yogurt or bread, canning tomatoes, freezing zucchini and squash, things like that.

But I really like doing those things. I like having that stuff in my house. And I think that it is increasingly important to really know where your food is coming from and what exactly you are putting into your body. We have the resources to make informed decisions about our food and what we want to spend money on. I would rather pay more money for food that I feel good about than to buy the cheap mass produced stuff in the grocery store. I haven't bought produce, bread or yogurt from the store in months. I like it that way.

So anyways, August is going to be one hell of a month. I am out of town or on call every single weekend, which means that we aren't really going to be able to get much done around the house, unfortunately. And it also means that I may or may not get to can green beans this year. I managed to sneak in tomatoes (25 pounds to be exact) that I found for $0.99/lb, but green beans are more time intensive since they need to be pressure canned. We'll see. Charlie is optimistic.

But, despite being crazy, I have had some good times these past few weeks. Two weekends ago Charlie and I went to Pennsylvania to visit my parents. I visited two Ophthalmology practices while I was there, and we finally got to hike Rickett's Glen. That was some hike! But it was so amazingly pretty and good to get out and stretch my legs!

It was good to see my parents and just to take it easy and get outside for a weekend:)

Then last weekend my littlest sister Karrah flew into Columbus for our cousin Rachel's Kentucky Derby themed bachelorette party. That was a ton of fun, but it was not very restful to say the least. But those people really know how to party, no matter how young or old. And we got to see Grandma and Grandpa, which is always good.

the party bus

Karrah and Rachel dancing to Soldier Boy... but they both had forgotten the steps...

China Baby in the bathroom at E&R's

that stupid sticker left a red spot on my chest for a few days afterwards 

Amber made jello shots. They were really big.

Karrah being Karrah

Fun times! But we didn't get home until 3:30 AM and we were exhausted for at least a few days afterwards.

This weekend I'm on call. Then it's a weekend in Holland, MI for another job interview, and off to Maine! Can't wait for that, I need a week or so to just sit on the beach and chill...

Home

Last weekend we were in Albany for a wedding - our good friends Andrew and Katie got married. They had it at the German American Club, so it was somewhat reminiscent of our own wedding almost 5 years ago now (holy crap!). The last song of the night was the one in this video. I first heard it on a CD that was made as a wedding favor when Charlie's friend Steve got married a few years ago. I love it. Such an upbeat and catchy song. I feel like most love songs are slow and sappy. But I think that love is a very upbeat and happy feeling. It does not make me want to walk around slow. It makes me want to dance and stomp my feet, and that's what this song makes me want to do:)

It also rings true to me as I try to find a job. I get so sad sometimes thinking about leaving Columbus. It has been the place where I really grew up and became an adult. I've lived here since I left college - seven years already. I had no idea what to expect when I came here for medical school, but I have grown to love it so much. And it has become a part of me and part of me does not want to leave.

But life is not meant to be lived that way. Amazing things can happen in life if you only let them. Too many people are held back but what they think they can and can't do for no good reason at all. I have not lived my life that way up until now and I don't plan on starting now. I could probably find a job in Columbus, but I can find a much better one someplace else. And it is time for us to move on. Time for us to put down roots somewhere, but I know in my heart that place is not here in this house that we recovered from foreclosure and turned into a home, and not in this city that helped me to grow up and learn to love so many different things. The list of things I will miss is long. But it is important to remember that home is not a place. You leave your house and you leave your city, but you take your home with you. And for now, home is wherever Charlie and I settle. We'll see where that ends up being:)

We don't have any big plans for the coming weeks, so we'll just see what life brings us:) Hope you are all enjoying your summer, too!

Silence

Sorry to be quiet for so long. I don't really have much to say though. Things have been good here. Not particularly exciting though. Our vegetable garden is growing slowly but surely. I was going to take some pictures, but then it started to thunderstorm so I didn't get a chance. It's OK though because we really, really needed the rain.

Second year is winding down. I officially start third year July 1st. Then it's just 365 days until I'm all done with training. That is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I've started looking for jobs. I'm hoping to get one nailed down before too long so I don't have to worry about it.

We've been trying to keep doing fun things in and around Columbus. I realize that this is maybe my last summer here, so I want to make sure that we take advantage of it and see as much of it as we can.

A last weekend we went to a concert down by the Scioto River. It was free. The band was the Kentucky Headhunters. We first heard them in Bardstown, KY when we went to the Bourbon Festival down there a few years ago. Everyone thought they were the most amazing thing ever. We were cracking up. They are funny guys, and good musicians, but oh man. The drummer has chops down to his knees, the lead singer wears the tightest jeans I've ever seen on a man, and the other guitar player has a fan by him so that his long hair is always blowing in the breeze and his man boobs are accentuated. But the crowd there was even more entertaining. Everyone one from white trash, hill billies, red necks, and even a transvestite ran up to the stage to snap a few pics. This is one of many reasons why I love Columbus:)

Perfect occasion for cowboy boots!

Do you see those pants?! Painted on!

This is the one with the fan and man boobs

Columbus at night...

This weekend I threw a baby shower for my friend Nicole. Nicole is married to one of my co-residents and good friends Billy. Nicole is also from St. Henry so we have another connection there. Anyways, I think everything went really well. I'm getting much better at hosting such events. It really is a learned thing. I've finally given up on complicated appetizers. It was at 2pm, so we had fruit, veggies, cupcakes from a local bakery, bread and hummus, and chips and salsa. They're due at the end of August and are having a little boy. I spent the first 20 weeks of the pregnancy telling Billy that it was definitely a girl, but in the end he won out:)

Me and Nicole

Rachel, Honey, me and Nicole

Nicole and her sister Terra

Billy and Nicole

I've got some pictures of our new mantle in the making, but I'm going to wait until it's done to post about it.

So, that's been my life for now. Hopefully I don't wait another month and a half to write again:)