Sigh...

Ah. Life is not easy. Not at all.

I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom and found about 2-3 tablespoons of blood in the toilet. Which totally freaked me out. I was sure I was having a miscarriage right then and there. But there was no cramping or pain. And the bleeding stopped.

So I went to the doctor this morning, and he did an ultrasound. He could see a clot behind the amniotic sac, which is where the bleeding is coming from. He said that's relatively common. We also looked around for the little embryo. We saw a little tiny yolk sac, and the doctor felt like he could see the baby and maybe an irregular flicker of a heartbeat that was distinctly different from mine.

Based on my last menstrual period, I should have been about 7 weeks along. But ever since my last miscarriage my period has been irregular, so it's hard to tell when I ovulate. Based on what he saw today, I would be about 5 weeks and 7 days (so 6 weeks tomorrow). Which he said could be totally possible given when I got my first positive pregnancy test and how light the line was when I got it.

So he said that I will probably bleed some more as that clot makes it's way out. And he said that he was "cautiously optimistic" for the pregnancy. I have an ultrasound next Wednesday to see how things are going. If everything is as it should be, then the baby should be a lot bigger. If not, then he can do another D&C that day. Not what I would like to have done, but time will tell if it is necessary or not.

I just wish that I could have a complication free pregnancy. Without all this worry. Of course without this to worry about I'm sure I'd find something. And of course because I know more than the average person I'm already thinking about how another miscarriage will drastically increase my chances of having another, and another, and another.

But then I have to stop myself. Because this little one inside me is not dead yet. At least we don't know for sure if he/she is or not. So until then I'm trying to just continue to focus on what I need to do. Take care of myself, get enough sleep, eat right, and trust that there is a plan bigger than me that is being unfolded. I need to trust that things are as they should be.