Sigh...

You know what I get tired of? Women who have had one miscarriage and a healthy baby or two thinking that they know what it is like to be me. Or people who have 4 kids and have had 8 pregnancies or something droning on about how horrible it is to have recurrent pregnancy loss. Or friends saying things like, "Well, because of my 'history' I have to go to the Ob/Gyn early in my pregnancies" when "history" means they had one miscarriage, and now two healthy pregnancies. Or people who name the babies they lost and remember them on what was supposed to be their due dates. I've had so many miscarriages I can't remember all the due dates, and I don't have enough unisex names to name them all, nor do I really want to. And if I already had 4 kids there is no way in hell I would be putting us through all the pain that recurrent pregnancy loss brings to a couple.

There are a lot of blogs out there written by people like me, and I appreciate that. It's good to know that you aren't alone. Most of them, if they are under 35 or 40, eventually have kids, which is an encouraging thing for me, but still doesn't guarantee anything.

I wish I didn't care. I wish that I didn't want kids. Then this would not be an issue. It gets harder with every miscarriage. We were so hopeful with the last one. So hopeful. It feels like the universe is playing a mean trick. 

This last one almost pushed Charlie over the edge. After everything that happened in Russia, he was ready to be done, no more trying, just accept the fact that we were not meant to have kids. I told him I wasn't ready to throw in the towel. I wanted to try for one more. And he said that if that one didn't work out I'd want to try again. I told him I didn't know if that was true or not, but I did know that I was not quite ready to give up just yet.

Anyways, it's a hard thing to be 30 and to have friends all around you having kids and knowing that you may not ever have kids. I pray about it, but it may not be meant to be. And all the praying in the world is not going to make something happen that is just not meant to be. I think Charlie and I would be good parents. If we have another miscarriage we might look into adoption, but that has its own series of heartache that can go along with it. 

I'm just tired of grieving. I'm tired of being sad so often. And I don't really want to get pregnant again and then have to sit around for 12 weeks going to the doctor every week and wondering if this is going to be the week they tell me I have to have another D&C.

I'm just over it. I'll give it one more go. I won't make any decisions about after that, but I'm getting close to my breaking point.

One Month

Well, we've been here for one month now. It's hard to believe. In some ways it feels like it went fast, and in others it feels as though we've been here for a lot longer.

The practice is going well. I'm beginning to get paid, which is always a good thing:) The OR has been challenging, but I think that I'm doing OK and will end up on top. It's a very anxiety provoking thing to be the one in charge of someone's visual future. They are putting immense trust in me and I don't want to take that lightly ever. But to be less nervous before I go to the OR would also be OK.

We started out to paint 4 rooms. Two of them are now done, which is great. But this house is so BIG! I mean BIG! It takes twice as long to do anything it seems. So we have to put one more coat of paint on the entryway, which, we were all like, "Oh, it's an entryway and hallway, how bad can it be?!" and now we're all like, "Holy crap this is a big entryway." And then paint our bedroom. Then we are going to take a painting break before we lose our senses.

Our furniture is coming today! Yay for not lying on the floor to watch TV anymore!!! I'm very excited about that. Then we can start hanging pictures and making it feel more like home. Turning a house into a home is hard work, but I think we're getting there.

I'll try to post pictures once our furniture is in, FINALLY!

Community

Finally got to go to St. Patrick's for mass this morning. It's the only Catholic Church here in North Platte, but they do have a Pre-K through 12 school, which I think is a cool thing for a town this small.

When we walked in there were greeters at the door that welcomed you to the church as though you'd always been there. They could tell right away that we were new and asked our names and what brought us to North Platte. The priest is on the younger side, probably 40's or so. His homily was about humility and was one of the more relevant and practical sermons I've heard in a long, long time. He talked about reminding ourselves in the presence of Jesus that He is God, I am not. That when we come into church we do things like genuflect and bless ourselves with holy water because we are reminding ourselves that He is God, I am not. He likened our relationship with God to one between an infant and it's parents. He said that a baby does not know how much it needs its parents. Does not know what it needs. And without the parents the infant would not survive. So, too, is our relationship with God. Sometimes we go through life and think that we don't need God. But indeed we do, more than we know.

When we prayed the Our Father people joined hands across aisles, no matter if you knew anyone or not. After church a woman about my age who is a pharmacist in town and whom I'd met on one of my previous visits came up to us and said hello. We talked for a bit and exchanged phone numbers.

Not since I've been to church at St. Mary's have I felt a place this welcoming and with so much community. Looking through the bulletin, I think they are also pretty conservative when it comes to certain things, but it was just another little dose of reassurance that Charlie and I did the right thing following His path for us. Even if it did lead us to Nebraska. At least for now:)