Nebraska Bound!

Hey there everyone. Sorry to have been so quiet for so long. I've been thinking that I should update this, but every time I sit down to do it, I don't know what to say.

It's been an exciting few weeks. I had surgery last week, which you all know about. That was obviously very good news and Charlie and I are both very excited and hopeful for the future. We also found out last week that we would most likely be moving to North Platte, NE.

It's funny how things work out. Before we started interviewing for jobs, Charlie and I sat down and talked about what was important to both of us in finding a match. We both wanted to be closer to our families if possible, we both wanted a community that we felt we could really be a part of, and I really wanted to have a place where I could dictate my own scope of practice and would be busy but also have the flexibility I would need when and if we did have a family.

Most of the jobs we looked at were in the north east. With the exception of the job in Nebraska, and one in Michigan. Every job I looked at there was a major red flag. Or it just didn't feel right. I remember when Dr. Shreck said he wanted to set a date for us to go out there and see his practice, I said to Charlie, "Do we really want to do this? Use the vacation time and go out there? Are we wasting our time and theirs?" But we decided to do it. And I'm glad we did.

I said to Mom, after I told her about our decision - sometimes I think that God opens doors for us, but it is up to us to see the opportunity and not be too afraid or timid to take advantage of it. It really felt like God was giving us 1,000,000 signs and all of them pointed to Nebraska.

When we made the decision I immediately felt anxious and jerky about it. But then I took a deep breath and said a little prayer. God's path for us is not always the easy one. It is not always the one that seems to make the most sense on the surface. But if we are quiet and we listen and pay attention, I think that he reveals it to us. I'm just glad I was paying attention.

On another note, we have sung this song a few times in church. I really like it, but today it outright made me cry. I don't know why, but thought I would share it with you. The lyrics are on the video.

Hoping for answers...

Hi all. I know that it's been awhile since I've written on here. Things have been so crazy with work, trying to find a job, etc... that I have barely had a spare moment.

But today I have some time. This afternoon I'm going to go have a hysteroscopy and laparascopy to see if there is a structural reason for my recurrent miscarriages. I'm hoping there is and they can fix it and then we can all move on.

I will probably write more after the procedure, but for right now, I just want to thank everyone for their support and prayers. I'll be sure to let you all know how it goes:)

At the risk of repeating myself...

I just went back and looked at my posts from almost exactly 7 months ago. I don't really feel like repeating myself, because the feelings are all pretty much the same. Even though I think I was more prepared this time for bad news, it still hurts.

It's funny, because for most of the day yesterday I felt fine. Better than I thought I probably should. The D&C itself was more painful than it had been, but afterwards I felt pretty good.

I watched TV for most of the day yesterday. My friend Billy brought us take-out. And Charlie and I played Scrabble because I didn't want to watch any more TV. I, of course, lost and was a bit of a sore loser about losing. Some things will never change I suppose.

Then we sat down to watch the football game and I just started crying. Really crying. And it felt good. It's amazing how much we can fool ourselves into believing that everything is OK. No matter how much I prepare myself for bad news, it's always going to hurt when it comes.

This whole process is exhausting. Emotionally more than physically. The physical stuff only lasts a few days and is not so bad. As we were sitting in the Ob/Gyn office yesterday waiting to have the procedure, I was thinking about the woman Dr. Paraskos had told me about that had had nine miscarriages before having three healthy babies. I don't know if I can do this nine times. But I don't have to think about that. Right now I just know that I can do it one more time. At least. Then if I have to do it a fifth time, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. What I do know is that if I gave up now, I would probably regret it for the rest of my life.

So for right now, healing. A few medical exams. Then trying again. With a hopeful heart, praying that I don't get my heart broken again. I'm not sure prayer has anything to do with it though. I'm finding it difficult to find any solace in it right now.