|My dogwood tree in the early morning light through the bedroom window. Please ignore Praxair across the street:)|
Now that the test is over, I've had a bit more time to let myself be more introspective. I thought a lot about the miscarriage and what it means for me. I talked to my doctor about it. I've done all the research and learned all the facts, because that is what I do and what I am good at. But I know that none of that is going to help me get through this, and none of that is going to help me if I get pregnant again. Because knowing that a good portion of women who have had two consecutive miscarriages will go on to have a healthy pregnancy down the road does not make me feel better. Because twice now I have been in the minority of women with bad luck. Like I always tell my patients - statistics don't mean anything if it happens to you.
So instead of dwell on facts and statistics, I have been trying really hard to be good to myself and to just do what I can to keep my life as low stress and as manageable as possible.
First off, I'm going to quit being so hard on myself about my weight. Since I've gotten married I've put on probably 10 pounds. I took it off when I was on the bike ride, but it seems to stick stubbornly around. I whine and complain. I try to watch what I eat and I try to run at least three times per week, but nothing seems to make it budge, not even a little bit. I squeeze into my pants for work and feel fat all day because I can feel my waistband digging into my sides. But for what? I finally got new pants for work. I did what I said I wasn't going to do and I caved and got a bigger size. And you know what size that was? A 2 for goodness sakes. Who out there is going to look at someone who is a size two and tell them that maybe they could stand to lose a few pounds? I'm not as skinny as I was in high school anymore, but I don't think that I am anywhere close to fat. I think that what my body has probably been trying to tell me over the last several years is that this is where I am happy and healthy. I don't deprive myself of many things, but I also try to practice moderation. I think that I'm doing the best that I can and that is good enough for right now. Could I be skinnier if I dieted more and exercised more? Probably. But then I wouldn't be very happy, and I may just be too skinny. A few extra pounds might be a good thing in trying to get pregnant again anyways. With a BMI of 22 as opposed to 20 I think I'll survive for now.
The second thing I'm going to try to do, which sort of goes along with the first thing, is to try to be mindful of what I'm putting in my body. In the summer it's easier because all of the produce we eat is from our CSA, which is certified organic. But I've been buying organic eggs, because I've done a lot of reading that they are actually better for you (higher in vitamins and minerals and essential fatty acids) than regular eggs. Which makes sense, right? The food we eat is only as healthy as the food our food ate, if that makes any sense at all. Mass producing meat, vegetables, fruit etc... oftentimes takes all the good stuff right out of it. Of course this has to be within reason. You can't buy organic anything and everything that you want all the time, you would go broke. But I have been buying organic or free range meat in large quantities when it is on sale. When organic milk is on sale I buy two or three, because they are ultra pasteurized and stay good for quite awhile. I've been trying really hard not to eat a lot of processed foods and to take the time to make my food so that I'm more aware of what is going into it. I still believe in everything in moderation though. A glass or two of wine, a beer or two, and a fish fry on Friday during Lent are not a bad thing. You just probably shouldn't have two or three fish fries a week:)
Lastly I'm going to try really, really, really hard to make myself get enough sleep. I was really good about this when I was pregnant. But I tend to go to work and work all day. When I get home I'm often tired, so I'll go for a run if I'm planning on running that day, but then I'll lay on the couch for awhile. Then I eat dinner, and talk to Charlie, and then it's often 8:00pm and I'm like, "Crap! I haven't done anything all night!" So I'll starting doing things. And then I go on and on and on and before you know it, it's midnight and you have to get up at 5:30 AM. It's not good for me or my longevity, so I'm going to try to be better.
As a P.S. I'm also going to try to make more of a habit of going to yoga. I know that yoga is something I can do at home, I just never do. And I like the energy in the class. It is always harder to make myself go in the summer though, because I don't usually want to be inside exercising when it's so nice out. And being at Children's right now makes it difficult because every other week I'll be on call for the class I like, and if I'm not on call but I had a bad night on call the night before, then I'm not really in the mindset. But I'm going to try to go as often as is reasonable.
So anyways, as life is returning to normal again, I'm trying hard to focus on being kind to myself and respecting my own boundaries. Because I can't control when and if I get pregnant again and if I do what the outcome will be. So I don't want to focus on that. I will just focus on things that I can control that will make me a happier and healthier person.