Tuesday, October 2, 2012

At the risk of repeating myself...

I just went back and looked at my posts from almost exactly 7 months ago. I don't really feel like repeating myself, because the feelings are all pretty much the same. Even though I think I was more prepared this time for bad news, it still hurts.

It's funny, because for most of the day yesterday I felt fine. Better than I thought I probably should. The D&C itself was more painful than it had been, but afterwards I felt pretty good.

I watched TV for most of the day yesterday. My friend Billy brought us take-out. And Charlie and I played Scrabble because I didn't want to watch any more TV. I, of course, lost and was a bit of a sore loser about losing. Some things will never change I suppose.

Then we sat down to watch the football game and I just started crying. Really crying. And it felt good. It's amazing how much we can fool ourselves into believing that everything is OK. No matter how much I prepare myself for bad news, it's always going to hurt when it comes.

This whole process is exhausting. Emotionally more than physically. The physical stuff only lasts a few days and is not so bad. As we were sitting in the Ob/Gyn office yesterday waiting to have the procedure, I was thinking about the woman Dr. Paraskos had told me about that had had nine miscarriages before having three healthy babies. I don't know if I can do this nine times. But I don't have to think about that. Right now I just know that I can do it one more time. At least. Then if I have to do it a fifth time, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. What I do know is that if I gave up now, I would probably regret it for the rest of my life.

So for right now, healing. A few medical exams. Then trying again. With a hopeful heart, praying that I don't get my heart broken again. I'm not sure prayer has anything to do with it though. I'm finding it difficult to find any solace in it right now.