Tuesday, October 2, 2012

At the risk of repeating myself...

I just went back and looked at my posts from almost exactly 7 months ago. I don't really feel like repeating myself, because the feelings are all pretty much the same. Even though I think I was more prepared this time for bad news, it still hurts.

It's funny, because for most of the day yesterday I felt fine. Better than I thought I probably should. The D&C itself was more painful than it had been, but afterwards I felt pretty good.

I watched TV for most of the day yesterday. My friend Billy brought us take-out. And Charlie and I played Scrabble because I didn't want to watch any more TV. I, of course, lost and was a bit of a sore loser about losing. Some things will never change I suppose.

Then we sat down to watch the football game and I just started crying. Really crying. And it felt good. It's amazing how much we can fool ourselves into believing that everything is OK. No matter how much I prepare myself for bad news, it's always going to hurt when it comes.

This whole process is exhausting. Emotionally more than physically. The physical stuff only lasts a few days and is not so bad. As we were sitting in the Ob/Gyn office yesterday waiting to have the procedure, I was thinking about the woman Dr. Paraskos had told me about that had had nine miscarriages before having three healthy babies. I don't know if I can do this nine times. But I don't have to think about that. Right now I just know that I can do it one more time. At least. Then if I have to do it a fifth time, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. What I do know is that if I gave up now, I would probably regret it for the rest of my life.

So for right now, healing. A few medical exams. Then trying again. With a hopeful heart, praying that I don't get my heart broken again. I'm not sure prayer has anything to do with it though. I'm finding it difficult to find any solace in it right now.


Tammie said...

Exactly what I was praying this morning and I told God that you were probably having a hard time praying, it is hard to pray when the results or what you want to happen seems to be ignored. I love you and I am glad to read your blog about how you are feeling. MOM

AE said...

I love you!

AE said...

I love you!