Sigh...

Ah. Life is not easy. Not at all.

I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom and found about 2-3 tablespoons of blood in the toilet. Which totally freaked me out. I was sure I was having a miscarriage right then and there. But there was no cramping or pain. And the bleeding stopped.

So I went to the doctor this morning, and he did an ultrasound. He could see a clot behind the amniotic sac, which is where the bleeding is coming from. He said that's relatively common. We also looked around for the little embryo. We saw a little tiny yolk sac, and the doctor felt like he could see the baby and maybe an irregular flicker of a heartbeat that was distinctly different from mine.

Based on my last menstrual period, I should have been about 7 weeks along. But ever since my last miscarriage my period has been irregular, so it's hard to tell when I ovulate. Based on what he saw today, I would be about 5 weeks and 7 days (so 6 weeks tomorrow). Which he said could be totally possible given when I got my first positive pregnancy test and how light the line was when I got it.

So he said that I will probably bleed some more as that clot makes it's way out. And he said that he was "cautiously optimistic" for the pregnancy. I have an ultrasound next Wednesday to see how things are going. If everything is as it should be, then the baby should be a lot bigger. If not, then he can do another D&C that day. Not what I would like to have done, but time will tell if it is necessary or not.

I just wish that I could have a complication free pregnancy. Without all this worry. Of course without this to worry about I'm sure I'd find something. And of course because I know more than the average person I'm already thinking about how another miscarriage will drastically increase my chances of having another, and another, and another.

But then I have to stop myself. Because this little one inside me is not dead yet. At least we don't know for sure if he/she is or not. So until then I'm trying to just continue to focus on what I need to do. Take care of myself, get enough sleep, eat right, and trust that there is a plan bigger than me that is being unfolded. I need to trust that things are as they should be.

To Do Lists

I have a big exam in March. It's called the OKAPs, which, I don't even know what that stands for. But you take them every year of residency and they are supposed to be pretty indicative of how you will do on the actual board exam your first year after residency.

So, I have a study plan, and I have been doing a really good job of sticking to it. Which I am very proud of myself for. At this rate I will have read the entire BSCS (it's like 13 volumes long and is published by the American Academy of Ophthalmology) by the time I go to Philadelphia in March to spend 5 days sitting through 8 hours per day of lecture from some of the top Ophthalmologists in the country (who also happen to write the OKAP and board exam questions). Then I will have the rest of that month to review, review, review.

Needless to say, I have given up a lot in order to study for this relatively important test. I haven't done much sewing (last weekend was an exception that I paid for dearly on Sunday when I spent approximately 5 hours reading). No reading for fun. No crafts. No house projects. Just reading. And reading. And reading some more.

To keep my spirits up and keep me motivated and focused, I am keeping a list of things that I want to accomplish around the house once I'm done with OKAPs on March 31st. It is starting to get ridiculously long. For real.

My quilt. I want to make curtains for the laundry room. I want to clean the grout on the floor in the bathroom upstairs. I want to paint the basement steps. And repaint the bamboo shelves that hold our shoes (that thing has been painted a million times I think). The list goes on and on and on.

I can't wait.

One project down...

Here is my new and improved lunch box! It turned out OK, considering it was my first try. My new walking foot is awesome and really easy to use. The binding was not that easy. I decided to make my own bias tape, which is not really that hard, but it is never quite as even as the stuff you buy in the store. The corners of the bag were not that easy, I sort of ended up smooshing them down and sewing, which means that it's not the best look, but it works, and it's all a learning process anyways. 

I'm thinking of putting some more embellishments on it, maybe a button or two, some embroidery, but for right now it's good enough. It took me the better part of yesterday to do, which means that now I'm behind on my reading. Oh well. I'm going to try to catch up today.

Also, Charlie and I put in our registration to join St. Mary's in German Village today. It was actually his idea, not mine. He said that he wanted to join because he always feels good once he leaves and he thinks that it is a good time for reflection. Plus it gets us up Sunday mornings. We'll see if it lasts, but for now we're going to try to keep going. They talked a lot about Roe v Wade this morning because the anniversary of it is this week I guess. I just tune that out. I understand where the church is coming from, and I believe that abortion would never be the right choice for me. I just believe in keeping it legal and safe for those that do.

Anyways, enough of that, I have a lot of reading to do...