So it has been a week since my second D&C of my life.
I feel OK physically, I just wish the sinking feeling in my chest would go away.
With time I suppose.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
It just doesn't seem fair
Most of you know what a stellar day this has been. I'm glad Charlie is on his way home.
It just doesn't seem fair. Doesn't seem to make sense. How can people who abuse their bodies - drink, do drugs, etc... have babies that turn out fine, and I can't seem to do the same?
Not fair. This whole thing takes so much out of a person. I am starting to feel like I don't want to try again because I don't want to go through this again.
I know that is not rational thinking. But right now that is how it feels.
It just doesn't seem fair. Doesn't seem to make sense. How can people who abuse their bodies - drink, do drugs, etc... have babies that turn out fine, and I can't seem to do the same?
Not fair. This whole thing takes so much out of a person. I am starting to feel like I don't want to try again because I don't want to go through this again.
I know that is not rational thinking. But right now that is how it feels.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Sigh...
Ah. Life is not easy. Not at all.
I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom and found about 2-3 tablespoons of blood in the toilet. Which totally freaked me out. I was sure I was having a miscarriage right then and there. But there was no cramping or pain. And the bleeding stopped.
So I went to the doctor this morning, and he did an ultrasound. He could see a clot behind the amniotic sac, which is where the bleeding is coming from. He said that's relatively common. We also looked around for the little embryo. We saw a little tiny yolk sac, and the doctor felt like he could see the baby and maybe an irregular flicker of a heartbeat that was distinctly different from mine.
Based on my last menstrual period, I should have been about 7 weeks along. But ever since my last miscarriage my period has been irregular, so it's hard to tell when I ovulate. Based on what he saw today, I would be about 5 weeks and 7 days (so 6 weeks tomorrow). Which he said could be totally possible given when I got my first positive pregnancy test and how light the line was when I got it.
So he said that I will probably bleed some more as that clot makes it's way out. And he said that he was "cautiously optimistic" for the pregnancy. I have an ultrasound next Wednesday to see how things are going. If everything is as it should be, then the baby should be a lot bigger. If not, then he can do another D&C that day. Not what I would like to have done, but time will tell if it is necessary or not.
I just wish that I could have a complication free pregnancy. Without all this worry. Of course without this to worry about I'm sure I'd find something. And of course because I know more than the average person I'm already thinking about how another miscarriage will drastically increase my chances of having another, and another, and another.
But then I have to stop myself. Because this little one inside me is not dead yet. At least we don't know for sure if he/she is or not. So until then I'm trying to just continue to focus on what I need to do. Take care of myself, get enough sleep, eat right, and trust that there is a plan bigger than me that is being unfolded. I need to trust that things are as they should be.
I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom and found about 2-3 tablespoons of blood in the toilet. Which totally freaked me out. I was sure I was having a miscarriage right then and there. But there was no cramping or pain. And the bleeding stopped.
So I went to the doctor this morning, and he did an ultrasound. He could see a clot behind the amniotic sac, which is where the bleeding is coming from. He said that's relatively common. We also looked around for the little embryo. We saw a little tiny yolk sac, and the doctor felt like he could see the baby and maybe an irregular flicker of a heartbeat that was distinctly different from mine.
Based on my last menstrual period, I should have been about 7 weeks along. But ever since my last miscarriage my period has been irregular, so it's hard to tell when I ovulate. Based on what he saw today, I would be about 5 weeks and 7 days (so 6 weeks tomorrow). Which he said could be totally possible given when I got my first positive pregnancy test and how light the line was when I got it.
So he said that I will probably bleed some more as that clot makes it's way out. And he said that he was "cautiously optimistic" for the pregnancy. I have an ultrasound next Wednesday to see how things are going. If everything is as it should be, then the baby should be a lot bigger. If not, then he can do another D&C that day. Not what I would like to have done, but time will tell if it is necessary or not.
I just wish that I could have a complication free pregnancy. Without all this worry. Of course without this to worry about I'm sure I'd find something. And of course because I know more than the average person I'm already thinking about how another miscarriage will drastically increase my chances of having another, and another, and another.
But then I have to stop myself. Because this little one inside me is not dead yet. At least we don't know for sure if he/she is or not. So until then I'm trying to just continue to focus on what I need to do. Take care of myself, get enough sleep, eat right, and trust that there is a plan bigger than me that is being unfolded. I need to trust that things are as they should be.
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