When you have a miscarriage, there are a lot of emotions that go through you. From one minute to the next you feel OK, then sad, then angry, then despondent, then afraid, and then you look outside and see the sunshine and feel OK again, and around and around it goes.
I think that it's easy for women to blame themselves when something like this happens. Like what could I have done differently? Is there something wrong with me? What if I can't ever have kids? So much fear swells up inside of you and you have crazy irrational thoughts that don't do anything but make you feel worse about things.
The other day I was sitting with Charlie and feeling sad. And afraid. What if I couldn't have kids? What if we couldn't have kids? We both have always wanted them. And I said to him, "Would you have married me if you had known this was going to happen?"
He looked at me, without any hesitation, and said, "I want to have kids, but I want to be with you more."
This is a tough time for the both of us. But I am lucky to have someone to sit with me and support me through this. It would be easy to write off my insecurity about this and just say I was being ridiculous. But sometimes, even though you know in your head that something is ridiculous, you just need someone else to acknowledge that it is a legitimate feeling and put your mind at ease.
Each day is a little bit better. I got a care package from my littlest sister yesterday, which made my day. I don't know how she knew we were planning on starting our garden this weekend, but she sent me a package with the coolest gardening gloves I've ever seen, seeds, lotion, bubble bath, chocolate, and an amazon.com gift card for my Kindle.
I'm lucky to have so many people who love and care about me. I'm looking forward to putting this behind me and moving on with my life:)