I was debating whether or not to write this post. Whether to share my good/scary news, or whether to keep it to myself for a bit. It is sort of bittersweet in a way.
Just about three weeks ago now, I was sitting in my car, on the way home from the VA, and I had just found out that Charlie's brother Joe, and his sister-in-law Kelly, had had their baby. Ever since our last miscarriage, it has been hard for me to be happy for others who are expecting. Like truly happy. I can fake it, but inside I feel resentful and jealous, which are such unattractive emotions. Kelly and I found out that we were pregnant at almost exactly the same time. We were due on the same day, in fact. And we told each other about it when we went to Pittsburgh for the weekend. The following week she found out that everything was just fine, I found out that I was going to have my third D&C.
I was driving home and thinking, and I just started crying. Like really, really crying. I cried most of the way home. And the entire time, I was just thinking in my head and silently praying, asking God, pleading with God to give Charlie and I the chance to be parents. My surgery was in November, and I got the go-ahead in February to try again, and even though it was only a few months, I was getting discouraged.
It felt really good to cry like that, and I felt a lot better about my new niece after that. (She's super cute by the way!)
I didn't really think much of it. I just went on about my daily business, getting ready to move to Nebraska, trying to finish up residency, seeing patients.
Then, about a week ago, my breasts started to get really sore (sorry if that is TMI). I thought, "Hm. That's weird. That's never happened before except for after I knew I was pregnant." I tried not to get my hopes up, just brush it off and go on and not think about it. Then this morning my period was due. I was not always very regular, but in the last few years I have been like a clock for the most part. And it usually comes first thing in the morning. But I woke up and I felt fine. No cramps, nothing like that. So, on a whim, I got up, went to the bathroom, and took a pregnancy test.
It was positive. Like really positive. I didn't know whether to be happy or terrified. I think I was/am a little bit of both. With each new pregnancy comes a hope that maybe this one will be different. Maybe this will be the one to stick. There also comes a sinking feeling that there is a very real chance you may have to deal with a miscarriage yet again. And I think that if I miscarried again now, after my surgery, I would be especially upset, because even though it could be just by chance, I'm pretty sure my head would tell me that the surgery hadn't done anything and there was something else wrong, something that coulnd't be fixed.
But I couldn't help but think back to that tearful car ride and think that maybe, just maybe this was an answer to my tearful prayer.
Now I know that the timing is not great. I have one month left of residency, then Charlie and I are going on this big trip across a good part of the globe, but we always knew that this might happen. I told Mom a little while ago, I felt like I had to keep living my life, but I also felt that I was at a place in my life where I couldn't in good conscience prevent a pregnancy that I had wanted and hoped for a prayed for for so long. So one of the reasons we are going to Russia and not climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro (that was a close second) is because at least I will not be doing mountain climbing and there is no malaria or sleeping sickness and not so many parasites.
It's also not the best timing for me starting my new practice. Baby, if he or she comes, will be due at the beginning of February. That is exactly the time Dr. Shreck was planning on taking off. So we'll see how that pans out.
My first appointment is June 27th. I'm trying to remain positive and look at this as an answer to a prayer, and not worry about what is going to happen. I have no control over it anyways. I just wish I could fast forward a few weeks:)
Just about three weeks ago now, I was sitting in my car, on the way home from the VA, and I had just found out that Charlie's brother Joe, and his sister-in-law Kelly, had had their baby. Ever since our last miscarriage, it has been hard for me to be happy for others who are expecting. Like truly happy. I can fake it, but inside I feel resentful and jealous, which are such unattractive emotions. Kelly and I found out that we were pregnant at almost exactly the same time. We were due on the same day, in fact. And we told each other about it when we went to Pittsburgh for the weekend. The following week she found out that everything was just fine, I found out that I was going to have my third D&C.
I was driving home and thinking, and I just started crying. Like really, really crying. I cried most of the way home. And the entire time, I was just thinking in my head and silently praying, asking God, pleading with God to give Charlie and I the chance to be parents. My surgery was in November, and I got the go-ahead in February to try again, and even though it was only a few months, I was getting discouraged.
It felt really good to cry like that, and I felt a lot better about my new niece after that. (She's super cute by the way!)
I didn't really think much of it. I just went on about my daily business, getting ready to move to Nebraska, trying to finish up residency, seeing patients.
Then, about a week ago, my breasts started to get really sore (sorry if that is TMI). I thought, "Hm. That's weird. That's never happened before except for after I knew I was pregnant." I tried not to get my hopes up, just brush it off and go on and not think about it. Then this morning my period was due. I was not always very regular, but in the last few years I have been like a clock for the most part. And it usually comes first thing in the morning. But I woke up and I felt fine. No cramps, nothing like that. So, on a whim, I got up, went to the bathroom, and took a pregnancy test.
It was positive. Like really positive. I didn't know whether to be happy or terrified. I think I was/am a little bit of both. With each new pregnancy comes a hope that maybe this one will be different. Maybe this will be the one to stick. There also comes a sinking feeling that there is a very real chance you may have to deal with a miscarriage yet again. And I think that if I miscarried again now, after my surgery, I would be especially upset, because even though it could be just by chance, I'm pretty sure my head would tell me that the surgery hadn't done anything and there was something else wrong, something that coulnd't be fixed.
But I couldn't help but think back to that tearful car ride and think that maybe, just maybe this was an answer to my tearful prayer.
Now I know that the timing is not great. I have one month left of residency, then Charlie and I are going on this big trip across a good part of the globe, but we always knew that this might happen. I told Mom a little while ago, I felt like I had to keep living my life, but I also felt that I was at a place in my life where I couldn't in good conscience prevent a pregnancy that I had wanted and hoped for a prayed for for so long. So one of the reasons we are going to Russia and not climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro (that was a close second) is because at least I will not be doing mountain climbing and there is no malaria or sleeping sickness and not so many parasites.
It's also not the best timing for me starting my new practice. Baby, if he or she comes, will be due at the beginning of February. That is exactly the time Dr. Shreck was planning on taking off. So we'll see how that pans out.
My first appointment is June 27th. I'm trying to remain positive and look at this as an answer to a prayer, and not worry about what is going to happen. I have no control over it anyways. I just wish I could fast forward a few weeks:)
2 comments:
Yay! It made me we'll up with tears. I love you so much!
Of course I am always interested in your blog posts. My precious Kristen, I am so happy for you. I too will be praying, praying, praying for a healthy grandchild. I love you so much!
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